Harper's, Aug '90, page 36 (Personal Statement)
This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York City. Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square, Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University this fall.

Background Narration
The audio was borrowed from a client project, and had some "god mode" sound effects applied. (The client probably wishes to remain anonymous.)